I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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