Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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