They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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