Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
