No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
