:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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