It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
