Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
