hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
