Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
