oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
