so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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