Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
