I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just invented taco cereal.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
