Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
