pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
