y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
