I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
