When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
