Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
