Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
