girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
