You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
