guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
