I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
