quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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