i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Are my feet made of real feet?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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