So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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