Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
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