just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Randomize
