Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
