and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
