Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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