My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
