just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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