So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
