the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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