I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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