I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
