I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
