My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
