it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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