cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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