Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
