if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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