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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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