So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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