is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
