I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
