i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
