does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
