she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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