You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
