Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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