I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
