Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
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