It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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