I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
