i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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