Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
