got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
