Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize