tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
